People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money