People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
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Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.