People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
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What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.