People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
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My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
They did not think through this water fountain
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
per my last wtf
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]