People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
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For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
💀💀
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.