Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?

Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

your daddy is a what now?

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.