People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
You Might Also Like
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
beware of dog
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap