People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
uh oh
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.