People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .