People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?