People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Yup….perfect score!
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
The cycle continues
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
“Sheer Arrogance”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.