Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.