Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.