Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..