(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
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A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There鈥檚 no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it鈥檚 closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 馃槀
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I鈥檓 up!
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you鈥檙e supposed toast the bread first and we can鈥檛 just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they鈥檙e going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I鈥檓 the star of a Whitesnake video
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
lol