People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
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A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Time for evil
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m giving up ice.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
tfw you realize …
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
A short story about romance.
