People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
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Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Smallpox sounds so adorable
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.