People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
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Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice