Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out