Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

What an awful time to have common sense.

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.