People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
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U talkin 2 me?
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Birds & Planes.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word