Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.