Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.