People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
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My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.