People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
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You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
😩😩😩
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.