Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

Vodka burrito was a success

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

ready to be harvested

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.