Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷