People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
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I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting