People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
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Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go