“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
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Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
the three branches of government
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it