“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
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People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
I have never related to anyone more.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies