“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
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Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra