People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?