People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
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If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”