Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

yes… yes…

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.