People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.