People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Just a friendly reminder!
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
thanksgiving in nutshell
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
