People who are bad at hiding, I see you
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Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.