People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
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I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
That’s classic.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
You don’t even know
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Science memes
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?