People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
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Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
No, he would not have.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it