People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
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MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes