People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
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right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Why is no one talking about this?!
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first