The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring