People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
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So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Sticker placement is key.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Your honor these allegations are
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Word!
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
