People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.