Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

😭🤣

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge