People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
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Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please