People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
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New mindset, who dis?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
