People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
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Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
noooooo don’t hurt yourself
let me do it
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college