People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
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Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
God has left this place
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
wishing you and yours all the best
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.