People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
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[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.