People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
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House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
How actors in movies eat their food
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”