People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
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Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I put the p in pants.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown