Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

mom had nothing to worry about

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

Yes, but it was never about money

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.