people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
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Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
🤣🤣🤣
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.