People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
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Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
same energy
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all