Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.