People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
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Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Monday
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor