People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
You Might Also Like
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
HOW DARE YOU
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!