People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
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[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
doing your own taxes
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket