People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
LOL
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”