Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

Mad Max Arctic Road

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

💀 😭

Spell check is for lasers.

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.