People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
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*weighs self after shaving
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Schrödinger’s cookie
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.