People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
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I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.