People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out