People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
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“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Do not steal food from the science building!
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
😏😏😏
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap