Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer