Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

I just stopped by to water my horse.

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

new wife guy just dropped

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell